5 Ways I Saved My Marriage From Divorce
When I was having my marital troubles, nothing seemed to be working in terms of saving our marriage.
And I mean nothing.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, we can this close to getting divorced. But I refused to give up on us. I fought for our marriage—and won.
I learned a lot in the process. I’m writer so I devoured every book on saving a marriage I could find. We sought out couples therapy. (I highly, highly recommend Dr. Baucom’s program in case you’re looking for help.)
So I’m going to share five ways that really helped me save my marriage. You guys know me, I’m no marriage therapist. I’m a writer of romance novels who dreamed of meeting my Brad Pitt and living happily ever after. Now I write those stories and I live that beautiful dream with a beautiful man.
I wish that for everyone and I hope that sharing these five techniques we practices can help you on your way to saving your marriage.
1 | It’s Not WWE, So Fight…Fair
Fights. Ugh. We had some real doozies.
At our worst point, we could hardly have a civil conversation and fought over everything and anything. It was stupid and painful.
Looking back now, getting through all that fighting turned out to be a process. Getting to that angry argument stage was slow-burn. It took time to build up and letting go of the anger was a slow process of working though and letting go of a bunch of baggage.
Look: Arguments are going to happen. Difficult and unpleasant conversations are going to be had. Trust me on this one.
But our therapist made a rule for us: Fight fair. That rule helped tremendously. Ben, my husband, is a lawyer. He can argue with the best of them. I’m novelist; I can make all sorts of stuff up.
So we started laying our cards on the table. We shared why we were angry and how our tension and conflict could be dissipated and resolved. Slowly but surely, we started becoming adults again and having actual conversations.
2 | Happily-Ever-Afters are About the Future After All
This was a go-to maybe because I’m a fiction writer, but I think it can work for any couple.
It’s simple. Make time to talk about your future together. Dr. Baucom is a big believer in this, so I’m stealing it for you because it flat out works.
You married each other. You shared values, dreams and life goals. Ben and I had drifted apart, for sure. But nothing snapped us back together faster and more enduringly than talking about our hopes and dreams … as man and wife. As a family. OMG. I’m getting all teary-eyed.
It won’t be easy at first. It wasn’t for us. I remember clearly that idea of talking about our future together was the last thing I wanted to engage in.
But we made the time and I’m so glad we did.
3 | Don’t Assume Stuff
I actually began my writing career as a journalist.
Yup. Scoop Swann. That was me.
And one of the first lessons in becoming a reporter is this: Don’t assume.
I could say the same for saving a marriage. As in, ‘We’ve been married for 10 years, can’t he freakin’ read my mind by now?’
Uh, well, NO.
Don’t assume. Don’t give your spouse too much credit. You get what I’m saying? Spell it out. COMMUNICATE.
You might be all mad with your hubby but the anger might just be due to an argument you’re having, well, in your own head. This one was one of my aha moments. (Thank you, Dr. Baucom!)
If you’re gonna get into it with your spouse, fight the urge to do so on a misunderstanding or assumption. There’s only one way to solve this and you already know the answer: COMMUNICATE.
If something he said set you off, then don’t assume the worst. Just ask him what he meant.
4 | Pulling Back from the Brink starts with … Gratitude?
I’m totally on a gratitude kick these days. I admit it. Meditation. Breathing. Self care. And gratitude.
I’m not saying it’ll be easy. No, ma’am. But a nice place to start is expressing gratitude mixed in with a little appreciation for each other.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Felt the same way. This little technique was one that made me roll my eyes, too. But I was committed to saving my marriage so I did it. I even started texting Ben (I almost never text, bad thumbs) about how much I appreciated his behind. (He’s got a very firm one, just sayin.)
Don’t skip this one. Gratitude is an incredibly powerful force in our lives.
5 | Go On, Start Dating Again … with Your Husband!
So, once you start showing appreciation for your spouse’s hiney, you can progress to making time for each other.
This one is pretty straightforward. The thing about it though is that once Ben and I sat down and started talking, we realized we hadn’t made time to be with each other in a long time.
And I mean time with each other on a date like when we had the hots for each other.
Don’t make our mistake. Set a date night once a week (or more, for that matter). And have fun. We made a rule that we wouldn’t discuss all our marital troubles on our dates.
“Go back to the basics,” advises Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, a couples therapist and author of a book I really like and recommend, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples. “What did you do before you were married that you’re not doing now? What did you do when you first fell in love?”
Just do it. Go out for some drinks. Have a picnic. Go rollerskating. Whatever. Just find the time and follow through.
Here’s to Happy Endings
All right, that’s all I got. Will any of these in and of themselves save your marriage? No. Probably not.
That wasn’t my point in all of this, however. My point was to share with you some of the techniques we used to heal our marriage.
Taken together, these simple techniques most definitely helped saved my marriage. And thank goodness for that!
I hope they can help you.
And you don’t have to go it alone. A good place to start with Dr. Baucom’s program. It’s all online and his method, more than anything, helped save my marriage.
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Good luck and just know that you can save your marriage. I did and so can you. <3
